Monday, June 8, 2009

The Five Questions......That Will Land You Your Next Job

True Fact: This is not your father’s job market. In today’s economy it can take years to find the right job. In some cases, decades.

Another True fact: Most employment decisions are based not so much on your responses to interview questions as on the quality of the questions asked by you!

Yet Another True Fact: To land an offer in today’s dog eat dog job market your questions must not only be informed, they must be distinctive and memorable so as to define you as a stands out from the pack maverick.

Final True Fact: Without a qualified job coach such as myself, you don’t have a prayer.

Over the past year I’ve patented a series of questions that are virtually guaranteed to land you your next job. Armed with the Five Questions, I would be amazed if you do not land a job offer right on the spot, and as those who know me will attest, I am not easily amazed. Without further adieu, here are the Five QuestionsTM :

Question #1: “Why is your company different from all other companies, and how does that tie into my signing bonus?”
Strategy Pointer: It’s always wise to lead off with a softball question. This question also demonstrates your strong confidence in your qualifications, and more significantly provides some immediate cash flow potential.

Question #2: “I am a team player and committed to the financial health of the company at which I am employed. Could you share with me precisely how much cash is kept on hand and where exactly it is kept?”
Strategy Pointer: This not only demonstrates your deep concern about the company’s welfare, it provides useful information that will come in handy down the line.

Question #3: “What is your favorite color of the rainbow?”
Strategy Pointer: This trick question is guaranteed to throw your interviewer off his or her stride. Let’s consider some hypothetical responses:
Red: Better dead than red as they say…
Orange: Better Red…
Yellow: The color of cowardice? Not this GI Joe.
Blue: The color closely associated with depression, licentious music and worst of all the ultraliberal democratic party. I don’t think so…
Green: Expropriated by Al Gore and the eco-terrorist movement. No thanks.
Indigo and Violet: Acceptable, but not terribly bold.
The best response: “I don’t much care for any of them,” or “I’m colorblind and am frankly offended by your question.”

Question #4: “What would you consider to be my top strength and weakness?”
Strategy Pointer: This kills two birds with one inquisitive stone. First, it furnishes you with your top strength and weakness should you be asked to provide this at a later date. Second, it provides a perfect opportunity to suck up to the interviewer by stating how spot on and perceptive he or she is about the tremendous skills you bring to the position.

Question #5: “If you were me, would you hire me?”
Strategy Pointer: This clever, semantic puzzler turns the tables and puts the interviewer on the spot. The answer will of course be yes – who wouldn’t want to hire themselves?

Why am I giving away all this valuable information? Because I desperately want your business, that’s why. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to win your business. But what would I actually do? you might ask. Well for starters I will accompany you on your job interviews, and be at your side during the job interview itself providing hand signals and other useful cues. And that’s just for starters. For the full picture, check out Clifford by the way is my partner. My business partner that is, not my gay partner. He’s not nearly good looking enough for that, and in any case I am not particularly gay, though I could be if that’s what it takes to win your business.

Must be over 18 to apply, void where prohibited by law.

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